I’m in pain. I chose not to walk at commencement this weekend because of all of the work that I still need to complete from this semester. Being hospitalized several times put me very behind with my school work, and I am still in the process of making it all up. I would not have felt accomplished walking, knowing that I still have much to complete. It hurts me to know that the rest of my class will be walking and I won’t, but I have to keep telling myself that life flows on. It is not the end of the world because at the end of the day, I am still breathing and I am alive, thankfully. So, as this weekend bears painful emotions for me, I just have to be strong. I will officially graduate this Fall, and walk next Spring, so it’s not like it won’t happen for me. It’s just not happening now. I am very disappointed that I allowed myself to be controlled by my illness, landing me in the hospital numerous times, but at the same time, I was unaware of my illness. There is a reason for everything, and perhaps the reason that this happened for me was so that I could learn how to live with it and how to reach a stable life with all that has happened to me.
I am thankful to be alive. The things that I did to myself nearly killed me, and I am glad they didn’t because then I would never have the opportunity to graduate. As painful and disappointing as this all is, I have to be strong. I am very weak right now, but am seeking strength through the Lord. Please, Lord, grant me some strength to keep moving forward. I just want to be successful, and I work really hard. I never asked for my life to throw such a curve ball at me, so why did it do so? Why? I never asked to have this form of schizophrenia, so why do I have it? It’s unfair, Lord. Please tell me why. :( I feel as though my life is ruined. I know it’s not, but I feel that it is. Please, Lord, grant me strength. I need you. Please. I’m in pain. Emotional pain. Help me, before I nearly die again. I don’t want to die, but this illness is beating me up, Lord. The voices are back, and they are meaner this time around. They are trying to prove to me how worthless and how much of a failure I am, Lord. Please help me. I don’t want to die. I love you, Lord, and I know, in spite of all of this, You love me, too.
I’m not sure how many individuals will read this, but if you do, please pray. Please. In Your name, Lord, I always pray.