Choices

I’m in pain. I chose not to walk at commencement this weekend because of all of the work that I still need to complete from this semester. Being hospitalized several times put me very behind with my school work, and I am still in the process of making it all up. I would not have felt accomplished walking, knowing that I still have much to complete. It hurts me to know that the rest of my class will be walking and I won’t, but I have to keep telling myself that life flows on. It is not the end of the world because at the end of the day, I am still breathing and I am alive, thankfully. So, as this weekend bears painful emotions for me, I just have to be strong. I will officially graduate this Fall, and walk next Spring, so it’s not like it won’t happen for me. It’s just not happening now. I am very disappointed that I allowed myself to be controlled by my illness, landing me in the hospital numerous times, but at the same time, I was unaware of my illness. There is a reason for everything, and perhaps the reason that this happened for me was so that I could learn how to live with it and how to reach a stable life with all that has happened to me. 

I am thankful to be alive. The things that I did to myself nearly killed me, and I am glad they didn’t because then I would never have the opportunity to graduate. As painful and disappointing as this all is, I have to be strong. I am very weak right now, but am seeking strength through the Lord. Please, Lord, grant me some strength to keep moving forward. I just want to be successful, and I work really hard. I never asked for my life to throw such a curve ball at me, so why did it do so? Why? I never asked to have this form of schizophrenia, so why do I have it? It’s unfair, Lord. Please tell me why. :( I feel as though my life is ruined. I know it’s not, but I feel that it is. Please, Lord, grant me strength. I need you. Please. I’m in pain. Emotional pain. Help me, before I nearly die again. I don’t want to die, but this illness is beating me up, Lord. The voices are back, and they are meaner this time around. They are trying to prove to me how worthless and how much of a failure I am, Lord. Please help me. I don’t want to die. I love you, Lord, and I know, in spite of all of this, You love me, too. 

I’m not sure how many individuals will read this, but if you do, please pray. Please. In Your name, Lord, I always pray. 

April 

Sharing is Caring

I just wanted to share that I am feeling very stable. The medication seems to be working, and that makes me very happy. The voices are not bugging me as much as they were, but that means that the nice ones have kind of disappeared, too. That’s okay, though. Maybe they’ll pop in from time to time and talk with me. That would be nice. 

Well, I just felt like sharing that. I hope I can keep this up. As long as I do my part, along with consistency with the medications, there is no reason why I shouldn’t be able to maintain this stability. I can do it. :) 

I appreciate everyone’s support. :) <3 

A 

Today was good.

I finally met with my therapist today, and it was so great! I love my therapist. I’m very fortunate to have a great therapist and a great psychiatrist. Thank You, Lord, for these blessings, along with all the other ones you’ve given me. I cannot thank You enough. I left my therapy session today a changed woman, for the better. I know that there is a lot that I have to do to support myself through this, but it is not impossible. All things are possible with God. I know it. I am excited and motivated to face life with open arms. I have to be there for myself, and be my own best friend. I just have to. I will. It might take a while, but I will be there for me. This is quite the challenge for me because I never think about myself, but I know that I must. 

I am really happy to have had a good day. I have been in need of one. I feel good, and I like feeling good. I feel encouraged, motivated, and eager to learn, create, live, and simply be. I love this feeling. No voices today. Yay! :D 

Praise You, Most High. 

April <3 

I’m liking this

I am respecting the Lord’s request by not worrying about tomorrow. I must stop worrying about what is not in my control. I have to accept the things that have taken place in my life and do my best to move past them. I cannot dwell on the things that I cannot change, but I can grow through those I can change. I can change my thinking. I have to remember that I am more than the diagnoses. They don’t define who I am, but they are a part of who I am. I just cannot allow the diagnoses to run my life. I won’t let them. I cannot let them. 

For once in quite a while I feel encouraged to do- to simply do, live, think, learn. It feels wonderful. I am convinced that the Lord is helping me. He is- that Rock of mine. Thank You. I am going to use as much of this positive energy as I can to do the things that make me most happy. I want to sing, help others, make music, and think. I want to think…a lot, but I want to think positively. I want to think freely, creatively. Thinking is fun when you have control. I have control right now. This is the first time in many weeks that I have full control of my thoughts, and it feels great! Thank you, Lord, my God! Praise You! Can’t it be like this all the time? Please?

Ever since my life started falling apart this semester I was so discouraged about everything. I didn’t know what I could do, should do, or what I would be able to succeed in. I just want to be successful, Lord. Can I do it? I want to- really bad. I’m trying really hard. I’m trying to help myself heal, but not jeopardize anything with school, either. My whole life has been devoted to school and my studies, so some of my doctors tell me that I could have almost worked myself to death. All of the work I was putting in could be what drove me almost clinically insane. I’m thankful to be more stable now. The thing is, though, that when I feel stable (like now), I feel very stable and on top of the world, but once that dark cloud hovers over me, I get sucked into the darkness. I don’t like that, Lord. God is light, and I want to be only with the light, not with the dark. I want to be in the light. 

So, here is an update of what’s going on with school. I am not going to commencement this weekend because there is still work I have to complete, but I will be “officially” graduating in the Fall. I’m choosing to walk next Spring, knowing that I will have completed everything. I’m looking into graduate programs for Music Therapy, so we’ll see where life takes me. I am going to invite the rest of my life in with open arms and an open mind. :) <3 

I see myself healthy and stable. I want to be healthy and stable. 
I’ll get there.

April