Choices

I’m in pain. I chose not to walk at commencement this weekend because of all of the work that I still need to complete from this semester. Being hospitalized several times put me very behind with my school work, and I am still in the process of making it all up. I would not have felt accomplished walking, knowing that I still have much to complete. It hurts me to know that the rest of my class will be walking and I won’t, but I have to keep telling myself that life flows on. It is not the end of the world because at the end of the day, I am still breathing and I am alive, thankfully. So, as this weekend bears painful emotions for me, I just have to be strong. I will officially graduate this Fall, and walk next Spring, so it’s not like it won’t happen for me. It’s just not happening now. I am very disappointed that I allowed myself to be controlled by my illness, landing me in the hospital numerous times, but at the same time, I was unaware of my illness. There is a reason for everything, and perhaps the reason that this happened for me was so that I could learn how to live with it and how to reach a stable life with all that has happened to me. 

I am thankful to be alive. The things that I did to myself nearly killed me, and I am glad they didn’t because then I would never have the opportunity to graduate. As painful and disappointing as this all is, I have to be strong. I am very weak right now, but am seeking strength through the Lord. Please, Lord, grant me some strength to keep moving forward. I just want to be successful, and I work really hard. I never asked for my life to throw such a curve ball at me, so why did it do so? Why? I never asked to have this form of schizophrenia, so why do I have it? It’s unfair, Lord. Please tell me why. :( I feel as though my life is ruined. I know it’s not, but I feel that it is. Please, Lord, grant me strength. I need you. Please. I’m in pain. Emotional pain. Help me, before I nearly die again. I don’t want to die, but this illness is beating me up, Lord. The voices are back, and they are meaner this time around. They are trying to prove to me how worthless and how much of a failure I am, Lord. Please help me. I don’t want to die. I love you, Lord, and I know, in spite of all of this, You love me, too. 

I’m not sure how many individuals will read this, but if you do, please pray. Please. In Your name, Lord, I always pray. 

April 

Turning

Why did my life decide to take such a sharp turn? 

I don’t feel grounded; 

I’m lost. 

Lost in the airing of my feelings. 

Which are mine? 

Which are theirs? 

They still don’t want me here, 

But I want me here. 

I will continue to fight. 

The Lord’s guidance strengthens me. 

Thank you, my Comforter. 

Your comfort is the everlasting cast on my broken self. 

I love you, and I know you love me. 

You know me, by name. 

Praise You. 

Losing touch

Whenever I feel as though I lose touch between the real and unreal, and am unable to function at my fullest potential, I am able to remember that the Lord, my God, is real, and that He is here with me. Always. Praise the Lord. <3

April & Friends

I fear them, all of them, even the nice ones. However, I have decided to become friends with the nice ones since they have been so good to me. So, from now on, when I say “April & Friends,” I will be referring to the nice ones and I. They are my friends now. The mean ones are my enemies. I have asked God to help me fight these enemies. He is going to be by my side and help me defeat them. I still fear the fact that I hear them, though. They are actually speaking in full-length conversations. That was unlike them. At first, the enemies just shouted out mean comments and commands for me to harm myself. Now, they are elaborating on why I just should not be a part of this world anymore. They scare me. My new friends (the nice ones) are still playing music for me. It’s so beautiful. I want to share it with the world. They also share this beautiful poetry with me. I love my new friends. Maybe my friends will soon overpower my enemies. There is still a war going on in my brain between the friends and the enemies. I am rooting for the friends. I want to continue to hear that music and that gorgeous poetry. 

People are probably thinking I have gone crazy. I might well have lost my mind, but I don’t think I have. I know that these friends and enemies are there. The enemies want me to die, and they make me fear life, but my friends are so encouraging and want to help me from hearing the enemies. They are so good to me. They are of God, I know it. I just know it. 

I hear them. They are speaking to me right now. The mean ones are speaking to me and distracting me. I’m losing it….I should take the medications now before I have another psychotic episode. Thank you, Medications, for helping me gain some control. :) 

A

Taking Me Over

I hear them, day in and day out.

I try to ignore them, but I haven’t the strength.

I am still trying to learn what they’re all about. 

There are nice ones, and mean ones, 

But the mean ones are most powerful. 

I remember, however, that the Lord, my God, is the Most High. 

His strength is more powerful than any voice I hear. 

They want me to die, but I know that the Lord wants me alive. 

He has plans for me, and I want to carry those out for Him. 

His righteousness will empower me, 

And His unconditional love will forever guide me. 

How I live my life matters;

I want to make Him proud.