All alone…

Lately, I’ve been feeling very emotionally weak and lonely. I don’t know what is going on. I feel so alone. I know that I’m not alone, so why do I feel as such? I don’t get it. I just want to be loved. I don’t feel loved. I feel uncared for. I can’t get any love or affection. That’s all I want. I need love and affection. It’s not fair that I show so much and don’t even get half of it in return. Is that too much to ask for? All I ever wanted was for someone to love me and show me they love me. Maybe someday this dream will come true. Perhaps I don’t deserve it. I hope that someday someone will see otherwise.

“Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, well that’s alright because I like the way it hurts.

Just gonna stand there and hear me cry, well that’s alright because I love the way you lie.”

:’(

First Time…

Never have I felt so belittled and so disrespected, ever. It hurts especially because it was by the one that I love. Nothing says “fuck you” more than having your words left hanging at the tongue. Nobody has ever done that to me before. I felt as though I was a millimeter tall. That is one thing that I will not tolerate…disrespect. Nobody walks away from me as I am talking to them. Nobody. That is simply not okay. No one deserves that. I love my darling so much, but if I am going to be disrespected by the one that I love, then it is not going to work. I am in love with my darling, a feeling that I have never before experienced, and this is why it hurts even more. If the one I love is going to give me the cold shoulder, then I might have to make a change and rethink my feelings. I don’t want to leave, but if I continue to feel like shit every time there is a problem, then I may have to call it quits. I still love you, and I won’t stop, but I won’t accept being treated like a piece of dirt. 

Choices

I’m in pain. I chose not to walk at commencement this weekend because of all of the work that I still need to complete from this semester. Being hospitalized several times put me very behind with my school work, and I am still in the process of making it all up. I would not have felt accomplished walking, knowing that I still have much to complete. It hurts me to know that the rest of my class will be walking and I won’t, but I have to keep telling myself that life flows on. It is not the end of the world because at the end of the day, I am still breathing and I am alive, thankfully. So, as this weekend bears painful emotions for me, I just have to be strong. I will officially graduate this Fall, and walk next Spring, so it’s not like it won’t happen for me. It’s just not happening now. I am very disappointed that I allowed myself to be controlled by my illness, landing me in the hospital numerous times, but at the same time, I was unaware of my illness. There is a reason for everything, and perhaps the reason that this happened for me was so that I could learn how to live with it and how to reach a stable life with all that has happened to me. 

I am thankful to be alive. The things that I did to myself nearly killed me, and I am glad they didn’t because then I would never have the opportunity to graduate. As painful and disappointing as this all is, I have to be strong. I am very weak right now, but am seeking strength through the Lord. Please, Lord, grant me some strength to keep moving forward. I just want to be successful, and I work really hard. I never asked for my life to throw such a curve ball at me, so why did it do so? Why? I never asked to have this form of schizophrenia, so why do I have it? It’s unfair, Lord. Please tell me why. :( I feel as though my life is ruined. I know it’s not, but I feel that it is. Please, Lord, grant me strength. I need you. Please. I’m in pain. Emotional pain. Help me, before I nearly die again. I don’t want to die, but this illness is beating me up, Lord. The voices are back, and they are meaner this time around. They are trying to prove to me how worthless and how much of a failure I am, Lord. Please help me. I don’t want to die. I love you, Lord, and I know, in spite of all of this, You love me, too. 

I’m not sure how many individuals will read this, but if you do, please pray. Please. In Your name, Lord, I always pray. 

April 

Things fall apart

My life is falling apart. 

I never expected to be thrown such a curve ball. 

If this is the way the cookie crumbles, then it’s crumbling quite fast. 

I can’t hang on much longer,

What more can I do? 

I pray- a lot. 

Should I cry? 

Lately I’ve been crying for every little thing, 

and once I am in that darkened sad place, 

I can’t get out of it for the life of me. 

Lord, what more can I do? 

I need help. 

I’ve been reaching out. 

I’m in pain. 

I’m not the stable, positive woman I once was. 

What is happening to me?

Please, Most High, 

let me know what is wrong with me. 

Am I still meant to be here? 

I wouldn’t want to burden the world with my existence. 

I know You love me, and that You care. 

Your love will is the armor I wear against these evil forces. 

The Armor of God. 

Thank You, Lord,

but please eliminate my pain. 

Please, Lord, my God. 

I fear You. 

I need You. 

I love You. 

Please, Lord. 

In Your name I always pray. 

Amen. 

-a

Things are Changing

I’ve been more hurt recently than I have been in a long time. 

They are hurting me, like a crowd of protesters wanting to get their way. 

This protest is against me. 

My heart hurts. 

I am slowly losing touch between what is real and what is unreal,

and am no longer able to distinguish

between which thoughts are mine and which aren’t. 

I know nothing, and my heart hurts. 

I have Faith, though, because of what He taught me. 

He is going to guide me. 

His graciousness is like the wind that carries the dandelion across the fields. 

He is my Rock, my Fortress, my Redeemer, my Deliverer, my Comforter, my Savior. 

He is love. 

I trust in Him, for He is my Shepherd. 

I shall write, for Him.