A moment of enlightenment :)

So, I think I’ve got it all figured out. My mental illness killed my relationship. I was just diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in 2012, and since then I have been trying to learn how to live with it. My illness has been controlling me, and since I have tried so hard to control IT, I actually became controlling. The thing about Bipolar Disorder is that you’re almost never stable. Well, at least I’m not. I don’t think she ever saw me when I was stable, other than when I was in the hospital. She either saw me at my highest or at my lowest. It is difficult to live a consistent life when you have Bipolar Disorder. Sometimes, whether I am at my highest or at my lowest, there are things that trigger me to act in ways that I would not normally act. My main trigger is one I find in myself, and that is jealousy. When it comes to romantic relationships, that is my own trigger. So, in reality, I am my own trigger. Stress is also a trigger, but I am learning ways to cope with it. As I continue to live with my illness, I am learning what my triggers are and am paying attention to my actions and behaviors, so that I can control myself. I think that if she would have taken the time to educate herself on Bipolar Disorder, then we would have had a more successful relationship. Maybe, then, she would have understood why I act in certain ways at times. It was all for our best interest. At least now I know what some of my triggers are and can be more aware of how I react. I am now more in tune with my actions and behaviors, and know how I should or should not react. I can control my reactions now, but I have to understand and accept that I cannot control my illness. That is something that I will just have to live with. I am enlightened, and I hope she will be too, someday. Everything is going to be okay. :) 

Choices

I’m in pain. I chose not to walk at commencement this weekend because of all of the work that I still need to complete from this semester. Being hospitalized several times put me very behind with my school work, and I am still in the process of making it all up. I would not have felt accomplished walking, knowing that I still have much to complete. It hurts me to know that the rest of my class will be walking and I won’t, but I have to keep telling myself that life flows on. It is not the end of the world because at the end of the day, I am still breathing and I am alive, thankfully. So, as this weekend bears painful emotions for me, I just have to be strong. I will officially graduate this Fall, and walk next Spring, so it’s not like it won’t happen for me. It’s just not happening now. I am very disappointed that I allowed myself to be controlled by my illness, landing me in the hospital numerous times, but at the same time, I was unaware of my illness. There is a reason for everything, and perhaps the reason that this happened for me was so that I could learn how to live with it and how to reach a stable life with all that has happened to me. 

I am thankful to be alive. The things that I did to myself nearly killed me, and I am glad they didn’t because then I would never have the opportunity to graduate. As painful and disappointing as this all is, I have to be strong. I am very weak right now, but am seeking strength through the Lord. Please, Lord, grant me some strength to keep moving forward. I just want to be successful, and I work really hard. I never asked for my life to throw such a curve ball at me, so why did it do so? Why? I never asked to have this form of schizophrenia, so why do I have it? It’s unfair, Lord. Please tell me why. :( I feel as though my life is ruined. I know it’s not, but I feel that it is. Please, Lord, grant me strength. I need you. Please. I’m in pain. Emotional pain. Help me, before I nearly die again. I don’t want to die, but this illness is beating me up, Lord. The voices are back, and they are meaner this time around. They are trying to prove to me how worthless and how much of a failure I am, Lord. Please help me. I don’t want to die. I love you, Lord, and I know, in spite of all of this, You love me, too. 

I’m not sure how many individuals will read this, but if you do, please pray. Please. In Your name, Lord, I always pray. 

April 

Sharing is Caring

I just wanted to share that I am feeling very stable. The medication seems to be working, and that makes me very happy. The voices are not bugging me as much as they were, but that means that the nice ones have kind of disappeared, too. That’s okay, though. Maybe they’ll pop in from time to time and talk with me. That would be nice. 

Well, I just felt like sharing that. I hope I can keep this up. As long as I do my part, along with consistency with the medications, there is no reason why I shouldn’t be able to maintain this stability. I can do it. :) 

I appreciate everyone’s support. :) <3 

A 

I’m liking this

I am respecting the Lord’s request by not worrying about tomorrow. I must stop worrying about what is not in my control. I have to accept the things that have taken place in my life and do my best to move past them. I cannot dwell on the things that I cannot change, but I can grow through those I can change. I can change my thinking. I have to remember that I am more than the diagnoses. They don’t define who I am, but they are a part of who I am. I just cannot allow the diagnoses to run my life. I won’t let them. I cannot let them. 

For once in quite a while I feel encouraged to do- to simply do, live, think, learn. It feels wonderful. I am convinced that the Lord is helping me. He is- that Rock of mine. Thank You. I am going to use as much of this positive energy as I can to do the things that make me most happy. I want to sing, help others, make music, and think. I want to think…a lot, but I want to think positively. I want to think freely, creatively. Thinking is fun when you have control. I have control right now. This is the first time in many weeks that I have full control of my thoughts, and it feels great! Thank you, Lord, my God! Praise You! Can’t it be like this all the time? Please?

Ever since my life started falling apart this semester I was so discouraged about everything. I didn’t know what I could do, should do, or what I would be able to succeed in. I just want to be successful, Lord. Can I do it? I want to- really bad. I’m trying really hard. I’m trying to help myself heal, but not jeopardize anything with school, either. My whole life has been devoted to school and my studies, so some of my doctors tell me that I could have almost worked myself to death. All of the work I was putting in could be what drove me almost clinically insane. I’m thankful to be more stable now. The thing is, though, that when I feel stable (like now), I feel very stable and on top of the world, but once that dark cloud hovers over me, I get sucked into the darkness. I don’t like that, Lord. God is light, and I want to be only with the light, not with the dark. I want to be in the light. 

So, here is an update of what’s going on with school. I am not going to commencement this weekend because there is still work I have to complete, but I will be “officially” graduating in the Fall. I’m choosing to walk next Spring, knowing that I will have completed everything. I’m looking into graduate programs for Music Therapy, so we’ll see where life takes me. I am going to invite the rest of my life in with open arms and an open mind. :) <3 

I see myself healthy and stable. I want to be healthy and stable. 
I’ll get there.

April  

Things fall apart

My life is falling apart. 

I never expected to be thrown such a curve ball. 

If this is the way the cookie crumbles, then it’s crumbling quite fast. 

I can’t hang on much longer,

What more can I do? 

I pray- a lot. 

Should I cry? 

Lately I’ve been crying for every little thing, 

and once I am in that darkened sad place, 

I can’t get out of it for the life of me. 

Lord, what more can I do? 

I need help. 

I’ve been reaching out. 

I’m in pain. 

I’m not the stable, positive woman I once was. 

What is happening to me?

Please, Most High, 

let me know what is wrong with me. 

Am I still meant to be here? 

I wouldn’t want to burden the world with my existence. 

I know You love me, and that You care. 

Your love will is the armor I wear against these evil forces. 

The Armor of God. 

Thank You, Lord,

but please eliminate my pain. 

Please, Lord, my God. 

I fear You. 

I need You. 

I love You. 

Please, Lord. 

In Your name I always pray. 

Amen. 

-a

Since then

The past few months of my life have been quite the roller coaster ride. I usually love and enjoy roller coaster rides, but this one nearly killed me.

Since my last psychotic episode, I have completely given myself to God. I am a servant of the Lord, and will live my life according to His word.

Here are the things that I have changed:

My thinking: Rather than continuing to think about the fact that I have a mental illness, I have thought about the things that I can do to live my life to its fullest potential, under the Lord. He is with me. I have also began to think about the things that I want, as opposed to the things that I do not want. Another thing I have changed is my worry. I have began to stop worrying about the things that are out of my control, and have focused on what I can do to best carry out my life for the Lord. 

Daily Routine: Having a consistent routine has really helped. Being at the hospital helped me establish this routine. Thank you, St. Joseph Hospital of Orange. (I really loved it there.) <3 Every morning I study my bible, sometimes for hours. It comforts me. I also write poems, music and journal every morning. When I write music, I feel as though I am writing in my journal, except it’s all notes, haha. :) I eat my meals at around the same time every day, and I also get to bed at around the same time every night. Before I get to bed, I write and study my bible some more. Throughout the day, I write and study when I can squeeze it in. :) <3 

Changing these things, along with being consistent with my medication, has really helped me stabilize and become more able to carry out my life in a healthy, positive way. I am so fortunate. Thank you, Lord. In Your name I always pray. 

I see myself happy and healthy. I’m praying as well. 

Amen.
<3 April 

Losing touch

Whenever I feel as though I lose touch between the real and unreal, and am unable to function at my fullest potential, I am able to remember that the Lord, my God, is real, and that He is here with me. Always. Praise the Lord. <3

The Race

Both my heart and mind are racing; 

This medication will calm me down,

Before I go crazy. (takes medication) 

My mind is never at rest, it hits every green light. 

There is no moment, even as I sleep, where my mind is put to rest.

As I live each day, my body feels at rest, but my mind does not.

I am not physically tired, but mentally exhausted.

My mind is at war with me.

I am the underdog.

God, give me strength.

You are the Most High,

and I try to make you proud every day,

as I carry my life through your Kingdom.

I know…how I live my life makes all the difference. 

I currently have very little control on how I live my life. 

The medication allows me some control.

They are taking me over, God.

I want to win this race.

Help me, for I am the tortoise. 

Help me, Most High. 

Things are Changing

I’ve been more hurt recently than I have been in a long time. 

They are hurting me, like a crowd of protesters wanting to get their way. 

This protest is against me. 

My heart hurts. 

I am slowly losing touch between what is real and what is unreal,

and am no longer able to distinguish

between which thoughts are mine and which aren’t. 

I know nothing, and my heart hurts. 

I have Faith, though, because of what He taught me. 

He is going to guide me. 

His graciousness is like the wind that carries the dandelion across the fields. 

He is my Rock, my Fortress, my Redeemer, my Deliverer, my Comforter, my Savior. 

He is love. 

I trust in Him, for He is my Shepherd. 

I shall write, for Him.