“Too Fast”

Beating too fast, 

Oh, Lord, I am giving it to You.

Yes, my heart, to You,

For I trust in You.

Blessed is He

Who will care for my heart.

Don’t let it stop,

For I trust in You.

by: April Mendiola

(This is just a little poem I thought of to encourage me. I have been reaching out to poetry a lot through all that has been going on. Whether I survive or I don’t, I know that my heart is with You, Lord. Thank you. You are my Rock, my Fortress, my Deliverer. I love You, and I know You love me, too.)

<3 

Is he saving me?

Hmm, I think so. Why does he care so much? I don’t want to push him away again. I need saving, and he wants to be there. Should I let him? I think I should. I want to. He genuinely cares. It feels nice. I care, too. Well, we’re going to church together tonight, so that’ll be nice and enlightening. He told me he has never stopped caring about me. Wow. Do I deserve this? I never think I do. I have to just let it be. I can’t run away again. I don’t want to. I opened up to him about everything that I’ve gone through, even about trying to kill myself. He kept telling me to look in the mirror to realize what I have. He didn’t run away. He cares. Am I ready to let someone in again? Time will tell. I like that we are both connected to the Lord. The Lord has brought us together. He even told me that the Holy Spirit spoke to him and told him to reach out to me. That is so powerful. What is this? Is this something that could be meant to be? I wonder. Well, he makes me feel better when I’m in my dark place, and I need that very much. Thank you, handsome. :) <3 

-April, the emotionally damaged.

Post-Recital Thoughts

Oh my goodness, that was probably the most amazing time I have had in my life!! It was truly magical. I was out there on stage singing my heart out and it felt so good. I want to do it again. I think I can pursue singing if I really wanted to, and I do really want to! It was such a wonderful feeling. I was a little nervous as I sang the first piece, but once I got to the B Section of that piece I felt better. I just wanted to keep singing and show the audience what I can do. I wanted to share the joy of music with them, and I did! I really worked so hard for this recital, and I’m so sad it’s over. I’ve had a lot go on in my life recently, and this recital really kept me going. It literally kept me alive. Singing kept me alive. I have to keep singing. I must. I really must. I will. I wonder if I can give another recital somewhere. I’d like to. I have to sing. I am meant to do this. My friends and teachers told me how impressed they were and how proud they were of me. It meant a lot. I am so happy with how I did. I was confident in my singing, for once. I have always been timid about singing, but I totally let it rip yesterday evening at my recital. It was so cool. I really want to do it again. I wish I could. I’m really going to miss my voice teacher and my accompanist. Working with them was an absolute pleasure. I wish I could keep studying and working with them. Maybe I can? We’ll see. All in all, I’m really happy with how it went. I felt so good after, but I was a bit down that it was over. That’s okay, though, I know that I’m going to keep singing. I have to. I am. I want to keep sharing the art of music with the world. That’s my purpose in life. I have finally realized that I do have a purpose, and it feels nice. I am not going to die. I will stay alive, so long as I have singing. It makes me the happiest I’ve ever been. Knowing that I have my voice gives me so much comfort. I just want to keep sharing it with the world. I want the world to see that anything is possible if you just keep breathing and keep working hard. With determination and perseverance, you can accomplish anything you want to. I am truly blessed to have the individuals I have in my life. Even those that I have just known for a couple weeks have already made a difference in my life. I was really happy to see some individuals I did not even know at my recital. They just came for the fun of it, which was awesome. I am really very lucky to have an amazing support system. I just have to utilize it more. I will. Here’s to singing and sharing the joy of music. I love to sing.

I will forever sing. All will be well, just as long as I have singing.

-April Mendiola <3 

A moment of enlightenment :)

So, I think I’ve got it all figured out. My mental illness killed my relationship. I was just diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in 2012, and since then I have been trying to learn how to live with it. My illness has been controlling me, and since I have tried so hard to control IT, I actually became controlling. The thing about Bipolar Disorder is that you’re almost never stable. Well, at least I’m not. I don’t think she ever saw me when I was stable, other than when I was in the hospital. She either saw me at my highest or at my lowest. It is difficult to live a consistent life when you have Bipolar Disorder. Sometimes, whether I am at my highest or at my lowest, there are things that trigger me to act in ways that I would not normally act. My main trigger is one I find in myself, and that is jealousy. When it comes to romantic relationships, that is my own trigger. So, in reality, I am my own trigger. Stress is also a trigger, but I am learning ways to cope with it. As I continue to live with my illness, I am learning what my triggers are and am paying attention to my actions and behaviors, so that I can control myself. I think that if she would have taken the time to educate herself on Bipolar Disorder, then we would have had a more successful relationship. Maybe, then, she would have understood why I act in certain ways at times. It was all for our best interest. At least now I know what some of my triggers are and can be more aware of how I react. I am now more in tune with my actions and behaviors, and know how I should or should not react. I can control my reactions now, but I have to understand and accept that I cannot control my illness. That is something that I will just have to live with. I am enlightened, and I hope she will be too, someday. Everything is going to be okay. :) 

Practice, practice, practice

I’m not practicing until I get it right, I’m practicing until I don’t get it wrong. I want it to be as perfect as I can make it. I want to blow the audience away.

Hope, dream, believe, sing <3 

I don’t know if it’s because I have a recital coming up, or because I’m really meant to do this, but all I can think about lately is singing. I swear, I feel like my depression and anxiety are going away. I feel like the power of my voice will outweigh any negative voices inside my head. It feels amazing. If I could, I would do this for the rest of my life. I can! I love to sing. I’m a singer. I have finally given myself that credit. I know I can sing, I just have to keep doing it. It makes me so happy. Even just thinking of singing, or thinking about my pieces, fills me with so much joy. I imagine myself performing and I feel so fulfilled. Maybe I’ll pursue this? I want to. I know I’m shy and timid at school, but I secretly love performing. I do! I’m just doing my best. I’m singing for me, singing for the sake of art. :) <3 I love to sing. It makes me the happiest. I feel so free, like I can be anything I want to be. I will sing. I must sing. I love to sing. I love making music. I shall do it. I shall sing. Forever and ever.